Lord of the drug ring
by Revenge4Love
Summary: Just a stupid parody of LotR
1. Gandalf and others

Lord of the Drug ring.

Summery: This story actually happened ten years before LotR was ever writen.

Authors: Dobby's cousin and Co-written by Stalin's cousin.

Chapter one: Gandalf and others

In the beginning there was a man named Gandalf, who was old and grumpy, and somewhat psychotic. He liked bashing little people, mostly hobbits as dwarfs actually fought back and hobbits just stood there (laughing). He had a 'whacking stick' which he called his mighty staff, it was mainly used for bashing and waving it in the air a threat to all bystanders. He also waved it at the person closest to him, while looking at them, stomping his feet and yelling in language no one understood.

One day he went to visit his friend to discuss his views on buggery in relation to political correctness - you have to be politically correct with such things as not to get sued. There was no freedom of speech in the country he lived in. 

So Saruman sees Gandalf and goes to the top of the tower, Gandalf follows him.Saruman goes into the secret door with a troll guarding it. Gandalf wants to come in but the troll asks for password. "Silence infidel!" Gandalf exclaims. "Nay, the password is Saruman's Great" says the troll - "go in and try to remember it next time". Gandalf finds himself in a room with Saruman who is looking through a glass ball. When Saruman sees Gandalf he quickly covers the ball and and speaks -" Why are you here?" he asks "You keep wasting my precious, precious time you fool of a mook".

"So anyway" interrupts Gandalf "I came to sharpen my mighty staff". Saruman backs away slowly, but when he interprets it in a non homosexual way he replies "With my balls of steel?". "Darn right" says Gandalf presuming Saruman is flirting. Saruman says "Well you can't - they're being cleaned". "How did you take them out?" asks Gandalf. "It was quite simple but the process is too complex to explain" explains Saruman. 

Gandalf stands frozen for a minute. Then he says "what do you guys want me here for?". "Shoo!" says Saruman. So Gandalf, who despises wasting time jumps out the window onto his pony. The pony is squashed. Gandalf goes back demanding another horse, blaming pony's death on Sarumans troll for letting him onto the roof. Saruman gives him an oliphant.

Gandalf jumps again but the oliphant is too smart for him so he moves to the side allowing Gandalf to land into the pile of its dung. Gandalf gets up and checks his boots - the air pockets have not lost their squeakiness. Gandalf's boots were highly customized to squeak as he walked allowing him to walk in morse code signalling his arrival. his boots could be heard from miles away.

So Gandalf then rode the oliphant to Rohan which he called the land of horseys and horsey man. He came into the town, demanding that somebody gives him a horse because he is Gandalf the Great and honorable. The horse salesman who Gandalf constantly abused verbally though when tried to assault the guy broke his staff in half, offered him to trade the oliphant for a three humped donkey which talked and was miniature. Gandalf regretfully accepted knowing that he is made for that kind of foolishness.

He rode the donkey into the Shire which he called Hobital Lands. He was sore as his knees were up to the lever of his neck so as to keep his feet off the ground, the donkey was so small. He was also deeply upset by the donkey's inability to march in morse code as well as deeply offended by the length of donkey's ears as well as the donkey constantly bagging him. Gandalf in term beat the donkey with his whacking stick and the donkey was trying to buck him off.

Soon they rode deeply into the shire where they were greeted by insults and stoning from locals who sure seemed happy to see them. Gandalf tried to bribe the hobbits with gifts but they seemed insulted by his verbal abuse and the porn he brought them. "You want to ruin our economy" they screamed "Don't you know our campaign - Buy domestic porn, buy your children a job"

When he rode onto the outskirts he saw an old hobbit dressed in disco style urinating in the river. Gandalf decided to wait before approaching but the hobbit seemed to take all day, so Gandalf set set camp. When he woke up in the morning he saw the hobbit just as he was finishing off, he saw a brick and chucked it at him. "Hey I'm busy "he yelled" - what's wrong with you! Don't people have any respect for elders now day! Back in my days when I was in Vietnam we had respect, so I urge you all to repact our natural recourses to make sure they're there for future use". "Aaaa shut up!" said Gandalf " I wanna talk to you".

Bilbo then says "Its been so long since I seen a human being, who are you and why are you in this god forsaken place". "I am recruiting" lied Gandalf resisting the urge to kick Bilbo in the head while swinging his whacking stick at Bilbo's head level. "Bilbo, I introduce myself - who are you?" asked Bilbo. "Boris" lied Gandalf. "Ah, time for another shipment, I almost forgot - good you reminded me".

Bilbo starts running. The old man runs slowly so that Gandalf or Boris as he was now known could follow him while draggind his donkey which kept abusing him and wouldn't move its legs. Bilbo sat down 20 paces from where they left huffing and and yelling "I can't go on, you must continue the journey by yourself young jedi, give me water, I want a drink". Gandalf gets him a drink from the river. Bilbo drinks and screams "Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!" and "You must find Frodo, you and monkey man must go on!" and kept abusing the hobbit called Frodo who was blamed on all his problems. Then his heart stopped and Gandalf took his wallet. He found money - now he can afford food!

He went forward while chasing his donkey who was unusually abusing, even for itself. Then he saw a hobbit in the bushes. Regretting that he did not 'whack' Bilbo, he decided to make good on the next hobbit. So he inconspicuously (while whistling) came close to the Hobbit and with one swift move whacked him in the head with the stick while verbally abusing him. The hobbit ran, the donkey with all Gandalf's supplies ran in the other direction, so Gandalf followed the hobbit while he praised god for disposing him of useless junk.

The hobbit ran into a burrow with meter thick solid steel doors like those of a safe. So Gandalf smashed all the windows in his pit of rage. Frodo came out wielding a machete and screamed at Gandalf the he owes him for the windows. Gandalf used that as an opportunity to hit him in the groin reign and ran into the house while Frodo was in pain. He locked the door from the inside but Frodo locked them from the outside so that Gandalf couldn't get out.


	2. Negotiation and discovery

Chapter two: Negotiation and discovery

Gandalf was trapped in the house. He began pacing in Morse code signaling "I demand unconditional surrender". He tried ramming the door but it just hurt his shoulder. Then he used his mighty staff and almost broke it. He poked it out of the windows but that had no effect. So he decided that he was sent by god to this godforsaken place to lead the way to victory. He firstly, needed to know what to do. So he went inside the burrow, when he realized that the door was open but went in anyway.

There were few items of furniture in the house - it was just long corridors of empty rooms. Over the fireplace he saw a picture of himself. The hobbit is an admirer, thought Gandalf. He came and looked at the picture closely and the Gandalf in the picture looked at him. Gandalf then ran, into the vast corridors of the underground. He descended into the lowest level and opened the last door. Inside were boxes labeled diplomatic mail and contained some strange type of plant. Gandalf not being picky - started smoking it.

Frodo, when he realised that he could not get Gandalf out of his house by himself, went to find his friend and trusty minion Samwise Gamgee commonly known as Neanderthal for his hairiness, huge club, lack of hygiene, and mental impairment which prevented him from speaking properly and made him very very angry. Neanderthal got to the door and whacked it with his club. Sam was sure primitive. He smashed the door, threw his glove on the floor and yelled "FOOD!!!".

Frodo went to his fridge and threw a massive steak at the Giant's feet, Sam picked it up and took a bite out of it. Frodo then decided to have lunch, he did not like others eating when he wasn't., as a result he could barely get on a pony. He opened his fridge again to find a magical watermelon, the seeds of which were live cockroaches which ran out when the watermelon was halved. Roaches ran out and Sam picked up his club and chased them all around the kitchen. Of course Frodo could just buy seedless watermelons, but he presumed they were not natural.

"Back to work" commanded Frodo and the two left looking for Gandalf. While walking Frodo was curetting the history of his estate and Sam was nodding, though to him, Frodo spoke a completely different language. In the storage room number 435, know for its vast stockpiles of narcotics, they found Gandalf sleeping in a paddle of his own filth. "Bash his head in" Sam recommended.

Gandalf awoke and hid behind the boxes. The Neanderthal was too big to get through so he smashed the boxes. Frodo yelled at him for smashing the boxes. Sam hit him on top of his head with his club, Frodo sank ankle high into the ground. At which point they heard a riot outside.

"Death to the Baggins Clan" Frodo could count hundreds of different voices. "Come out Baggins" someone yelled "It is time for revolution! Come out and you will be executed. Long live Smuglin' Meriodoc and Pimpin' Pippin our new Government". Frodo remembered there was a back door so he grabbed a box of cocaine and told Sam to do the same. Then they ran. They also detonated the corridor so no one can get to their drugs. They ran out the back door and into the forest.

In the forest Frodo put his box down and to his horror saw that Sam carried Gandalf out instead of the box. "YOU USELESS WASTE OF A PILE OF DUNG, I TOLD WHAT TO TAKE - NOT HIM, I DON'T WANT HIM, I DON'T LIKE HIM, HE'S AN ARSEHOLE!!!!" Having said that he was knocked of his feet by Sam's trusty club, Sam hated when people told him off.

Frodo awoke because someone had bitten of his leg. He saw Sam and Gandalf sitting by the fire eating it. So was leprechaun called George and five elves. Frodo joined them demanding that they buy him a new leg. He was then smacked in the head by one of the elves "DO NOT DISRUPT MY MEAL YOU LITTLE MAN, FOR I AM THE BEST!!!" he said that with full assurance. Another elf got up and screamed "take it back you worthless pile of skin and bones!". "But he is little," the other elf argued. "I mean the second part - you are not the best, I am!". The other elf got up and rose his sword and all other elves did the same.

Our three companions crawled away from the fight in which George was a part of. Frodo ended up getting his leg back as they had enough meat from the elves, he spent the night sewing it back on. Good thing they took his wooden leg.

Gandalf then suggested selling the cocaine in Rivendell which was the capital of Elvish Empire to which by the way, the Shire swore allegiance to. On the way they met a gang of evil spirits who sensed the drugs. So Sam had to chase them off with his club. They eventually got into the town where the first thing Frodo wanted to do is to complain to the Mafia council.

They entered the Headquarters from the Ghetto entrance which was ironically, most of the city. Once there they called an emergency meeting with the Godfather. Letters were sent to all corners of the empire to bring mafia bosses for a meeting.

Many came to the meeting. They were Aragorn - the famed smuggler, Boromir - ally in the west head importer and producer, Legolas - head pimp, Gimli - dwarf senator, and commander of the naval fleet, and the mightiest of all Emperor Elrond - ruler of the Elfish Empire and head of all mafia cartels in the area. And to Frodo's horror Mary or Mario as he preffered to be called and Pimpin' Pippin were also there.

"I have called ziz meeting az to adrezz thiz ... probblem we are facing, the rate of decline of uze within our clientele - pricez for our productz are the lowezt in decadez and peoplez atre relotingz againzt our powerz, we muzd act immidiatelyz for the bezt rezult every day". read Elrond from his parchment.

Aragorn stood up "What his majesty is trying to explain is that we are loosing strategic leadership and something must be done about it".

"Stuff this!" Frodo stood up holding his box up "Who wants to buy?". No one answered. "This is exactly what his majesty is talking about!" said Aragorn "no has money to buy because they can't sell!". "Waht tho you suggeht?" asked the dwarf. "Wait" said Aragorn "His majesty has devised a plan of action.". Everyone looked at the emperor - "Wazz up?" he asked. Aragorn whispered something to him and Elrond started talking.

"In orderz to bring back ourz market share we muzd advertize on daytimez TV. Likez on playzkool" then Elrond started singing the play school tune. "Stick to the plan" hissed Aragorn. "We haz recognized ze problem" started Elrond "it iz the people of Mordor with their banz on narcoticz that their beleivz are spreading towardz uz, we needz to tranzport drugz to therez and zell zem. Therez iz big problem - I uzed up all drug shipmentz lazt night - we havez no drugz."

Everyone looked at Frodo, "Are you up to the job - Frodo" asked Aragorn "we will help you deliver the shipment to Mordor and if successful - restore your trafficking rights." Mario and Pimpin' disagreed and took out their swords. Aragorn took out his swords and said "I will make sure! You will not harm Frodo and his Posey". Mario then says "we will go with them so that if they betray you we will execute them". "Good Idea!" said Legolas "You will have my bow, dawg!". "And my axe" screamed Gimli waving an axe bigger the him. "I will superwise" said Aragorn.

So they took food, drink, drugs and Gandalf's donkey which was found laughing uncontrollably in the bushes and left.

The journey has began.


	3. Drugs are bad, Mkay

Disclaimer (coz I forgot to add one at the first chapter): We don't own half the humor in this fanfic.

Chapter three: Drugs are bad, Mkay.

The moronship left Rivendell late the next day. Frodo was having a very hard time by the fact that Gandalf was trying to cannibalize him and Neanderthal. He was pissed off by the number of morons that he had to travel with, so he complained constantly about them and so they tied him to a tree and threw rocks at his head. As they walked away from Rivendell, people threw rocks at them and yelled swear words at them. Gandalf was rather annoyed so he tried to verbally abuse the elves but Legolas found this offensive and shot an arrow at Gandalf's butt.

Gandalf ran around screaming and abusing elves, so another arrow went into Gandalf's butt. When they left Rivendell they decided to camp. Boromir, being a former boy scout chopped some wood and put it into a pile ready to light. But Gandalf sat on the pile and would not move. Furthermore when people tried to light it under Gandalf, he would stomp the blaze in his squeaky shoes. Then Pimpin' began playing guitar to which Mario said "You can't play guitar, okay.". So everything was going smoothly until a woman appeared and punched Legolas on the back of the head. 

She was Arwen and thought Aragorn was getting gay with Legolas. She then bashed Gandalf, who laughed at her. Sam hit her with the club so she flew over the city wall, back into Rivendell. Next morning, or afternoon as it may be, the party moved off. Gandalf left first, and the rest decided to follow him as no one has been further then Rivendell before. The donkey gave Gandalf away by swearing continually and loudly. It still took a while to hunt him down because Frodo insisted on being carried and Legolas complained that he was too sick to go on, though he didn't look sick - rather he could not be bothered. 

When they caught up, Sam whacked Gandalf with the club and screamed in gibberish. Legolas tried to calm him down but he got hit as well. At this moment Pimpin' caught up with them and everyone realised - they left the drugs behind. Then they decided what to do, Legolas decided to go home, Aragorn decided to bash Legolas since he was supposed to be carrying the drugs, Mario and Pimpin' decided to slaughter Frodo and the donkey, Gandalf recovered from the hit and went to sleep, Gimli decided to go home with Legolas, Sam never decided anything since he only had 4 hours to think. 

Arwen then appeared on the top of the tree and dropped the box of drugs on the sleeping Gandalf. "What's this disaster!!!" he yelled as he was squashed. Legolas then threw a rock at Arwen as he wanted to go home. Arwen then showcased fabulous athletic ability and leaped off the tree and into the Rivendell. It was found that Gandalf was chasing his donkey around the city walls. 

Next day they left at Dawn as the donkey didn't let anyone sleep with its hysterical laughing. They smoked some marijuana that Aragorn had in his pocket and walked 72 hours non stop without speaking . When the effects worn off they discovered that they are next to a hill with the entrance to the mining complex, whole 3 miles from Rivendell.

They first decided to walk over the mountain but the Hobbits protested - "Its cold up there, and I have no coat." said Mario, "Its windy up there, I don't want to get blown away" said Pimpin', "I don't wanna die!!!" said Frodo. "Elf - crap!!!" said Gimli. "Gnome - crap!!" said Legolas. "Morons" said Aragorn for which he received a clubbing from Sam. At this point in time Gandalf was trying to open the door to the mines and the donkey was laughing at his failed efforts. "Must be locked" concluded Gandalf. 

Aragorn read a clue on how to open the door, it said elves speak out of their anus. "Old dwarf beleif" said Gimli with respect. Frodo figured it out "it's a riddle" he said. "No shit Sherlock" replied Aragorn - "now you're so smart - solve it" Frodo looked at the riddle and turned to Legolas and asked "Whats the elvish phrase for I'm an arsehole". "Fuck you" said Legolas and stabbed Frodo, lucky he was wearing knight armor (women's lingerie underneath of course). Then he asked Gandalf that who said "You shouldn't ask questions you don't know the answer to". They camped outside the door for two months and supplies were running low even though they were ordering stuff over the phone from Rivendell.

Then Frodo found a large sign in the middle of the door saying 'pull', he realised that all that time they were pushing the door and nobody read signs. So he opened the door and found another door, and another, and another and then they came to the bridge of "Khazar Doom" which claimed the lives of many dwarfs who didn't look where they were going in the past. 

They were halfway across when Arwen appeared and followed them across. "Stall that annoying woman" commanded Aragorn. Gandalf stopped and dug his spiked iron boots into the bridge - "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" he screamed. Arwen pushed him hard, and the spikes of his boots caused the middle of the bridge to collapse and they fell into the water. The reason those dwarfs died was that they couldn't swim.

"Should we wait for him to come out?" asked Boromir. "No way! Lets run!" replied Aragorn and they came out of the hill. And the wind blew into their hair and Pimpin's pimpin' hat was blown off as well as Legolas' wig and Aragorn's beard and moustache, but he commanded "we are taking heavy losses, but that my friends, is the reason to continue on with our quest for for greatness for there is no better leader in then the world then me - Lord Aragorn, self proclaimed god and Ruler of the universe." Then he realised everyone ran in different directions so he stopped thinking of who to chase.

When everyone was assembled Legolas receives an angry phone call from Gandalf who came out on the other side of the hill and marched into a gay bar, he was asking Legolas on how to behave. He also said that he discovered that Arwen was actually a man - but of course we all knew that.


	4. Gansta Elves and River Cruise

Chapter four: Gangsta Elves and River Cruise

The moronship assembled near Lothlorien (commonly know for it's vast production of a narcotic called Lembas). They had gone a few paces into the forest when they heard a voice "morons, morons" it whispered. Legolas couldn't stand it and threw a rock at where the voice came from "Ow! FUCK YOU!" The voice screamed and an elf fell out of the tree. He was Haldir. "Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up!" yelled Legolas. "Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up!" yelled Haldir. "Yo, my homie wad up dawg" said Haldir. (translation- hello, my friend. How are you?)

"I'm trippin, man. These cats won't let me bounce" said Legolas (translation- I'm freaking out, these people will not let me leave). "Thats not cool man" Haldir replied (translation- that is very bad). Frodo, who believed that all said was insults drew his sword. Aragorn, smacked him on the back of his head. Sam then swung his massive club around causing Mario and Pimpin' to fly several paces from where they stood. Boromir did not take note, as he was too high. Gimli looked at Gandalf, who commented - "What the hell are you looking at?". 

Mario and Pimpin' came back to the moronship, drenched in putrid slime from the swamp they landed in. "Hose them down!!!" yelled Gandalf and had to be restained as he was trying to piss on them. Sam shook his club at him. Gimli decided to cut down firewood so he started rotating quickly with his axe outstretched. "My men need more morale" said Boromir and collapsed which was good because at that moment Gimli lost the grip on his axe and it flew inches above Boromir's head. Gimli then went looking for his axe which he could not find as dwarfs could only see in the dark. 

Haldir remembered that he was supposed to bring them to the Lord Celborn and Lady Galadriel, but since he didn't like them he bluntly refused to follow orders and for that was exiled into the forest - to guard it and he was chained to a tree so he won't run off. He picked up a rock and with his elfish eyesight he chucked it at Galadriel, it hit her square in between her eyes. "Boya!" he screamed, in Frodo's ear. "Arsehole!!" answered Frodo and Sam hit him. 

A search party came in order to bash Haldir and the moronship. The people were brought before the High Court of Lothlorien presided over by Lord Celborn. "Would all rise for the honorable Lord Celborn, Duke of Lothlorien, Field Marshal of the Bush Fire brigade, Supreme Commader of the Non Violent Forces of the Forest of Darkness, Chief Lunatic of this asylum and Chief Justice of the dispute tribunal". An old gnome walked in picking his nose. "Sit the fuck down!!!" - he shouted, "who the hell comes here on a weekend, I'm not meant to be working, stop committing crimes" then turned to the guard captain and said "execute those men, ... waste my precious time." and walked out. 

The captain laughed and said, "I would gladly execute you, under the old fart's orders, but we have no ammunition, so you have to get out of here and die by yourselves as there is no return from where you are heading, for I am the lord thy god and I give thine my mercy, under the name of Emperor Elrond - the moron he is, and under the name of former Chief Justice, whoever he might have been, for today is the day of celebration, as today is pay day, and all that is good in the world..." 

The moronship walked out in the middle of his speech and camped outside the courthouse. Frodo saw a wishing well and he wished to one day come back here. So he stole a coin of Pimpin' and tossed it in, the well showed a picture, of Hobits running free in the shire and factories, of the industries illegal in other countries on which the Shire's economy was based on were closed and police line was drawn around Frodo's Mansion saying seized property. Then it showed Sam and the other hobbits taking him to the police station and kicking him. Frodo, in his calm stupor commented "What the bloody hell?"

A woman was standing behind him, "I saw it too" she said. "But what does this vision represent?" asked Frodo"What does it mean in other words?" - Frodo always considered himself a lot smarter then everyone else because he only hang out with Sam. "I know what it means" she said - "Do You?". "You darn right I do" lied Frodo. "You sir, are the most pathetic liar I have met in the many yearsI roamed these plains". "What does it mean then?" asked Frodo. "Well my miniature bag of glutton, It basically means you are stuffed unless you make the delivery to Mordor." "I knew that" said Frodo, "I was just testing you.". At this point the woman kicked Frodo in the groin and walked of with this words "Stupid arsehole..."

Legolas picked Frodo up, said "That was lady Galadriel, dawg." and threw Frodo into the air and in a kung fu move kicked him into Gandalf as Frodo was falling. Then he went into the tent with Boromir singing "In the Navy". Boromir kicked him out in another superb kung fu move. Frodo went to sleep.

He woke up early in the morning in the paddle of his own filth, and found himself alone in the middle of the square. He saw everybody leave so he followed them. When they saw him, they ran for the hills, Frodo followed them. They ran through the forest, Frodo followed them. They saw boats and stole them from an old elf yelling in old elfish. Frodo saw a speed boat and stole that. He overtook the others and splashed them, he yelled at them and they yelled at him. They eventually got to land, where they found an encampment of orcs. Aragorn, who knew the orc leader, came into the camp with precious drugs - though demand was great, the orcs were very poor, so they could not afford to buy many, only about $1000 worth was sold.

They also the donkey eating orcish supplies and contaminating their waterhole. They followed that brave example. In the next week - all supplies were gone so they started eating orcs, orcs surprisingly, didn't like that very much and all ran away. They decided that must leave but they did not want to go hungry, so they drew straws on who would be eaten, and Boromir - was eaten. "Food for thought" commented Frodo "Boromir tastes like fish, so lets put the bones on a boat and sail it down the river". Everyone agreed. Then they tried to push Gandalf on the boat as they did not like his constant abuse. That was too much, even coming from an insane wisard.

Then they saw elfish boats approaching as the boats they stole were very valuable. So Frodo and Sam, decided that the elves should have the satisfaction of killing the others, put holes in all boats except one, and sailed to another shore, where Sam carried Frodo to the top of the mountain and then threw him to the bottom, ran down to catch him, but obviously he was too late and Frodo was cursing him repeatedly.

The others saw the boats and ran into the land of horseys and horsey men.


End file.
